- let's play catch up -

Let's play a quick little game of catch up, shall we?

Here's a whirlwind recap of our last couple of months:

- I've watched my little girl grow up so much! She started preschool in July, and the changes we saw in her confidence, academic skills, and social skills were amazing! She didn't always love going (there were definitely some rough drop offs), but we saw such a change in her after she started preschool. Unfortunately however, that school didn't work out. They lost their lease on their building in August, and decided to shut their doors instead of starting the lengthy and expensive process of finding a new location. I was devastated, because Ellie had bonded with the teachers and the other kids there so quickly. It was the first time I have actually seen Ellie interested in really playing with other kids, and she would come home every day talking about her three little girlfriends she had in school. It was also devastating because I had to start the arduous task of finding another preschool that would be the perfect fit for Ellie. And right about the time when I almost settled and enrolled her into a program that I wasn't all that thrilled about, I stumbled across a small, Montessori based preschool that I hadn't heard about before. I toured it, and was almost immediately sold! And luckily so was Ellie when she started! It's a very small school, which I think is really good for Ellie right now (although, we might be kicking ourselves later when we eventually have to transition her into the large, overcrowded classrooms of public school). But right now she is getting amazing, almost one on one attention, while still getting to socialize with kids her own age. The first week she started, she told us multiple times how much she loves her new school! I'm hoping her excitement and enthusiasm lasts all school year!! She's become so much more independent and grown up in the last couple of months. It's exciting, and heart breaking all at the same time! I love the new little girl she is becoming, but my heart aches for the baby girl that is growing up (too fast in my opinion!)

- Ellie has been extremely interested in learning to read and write for the past three or four months now, which has been amazing to watch. She can write every upper case letter, and is quickly getting through her lower case letters now. And she has over half of the mandatory kindergarten "sight" words under her belt! She's also doing AWESOME with sounding out words. She officially read her first book by herself about a month ago! Enjoy! (and yes, by the time I taped this, she had read the book so many times that it's mostly memorization by now, but this was definitely the first book she read by herself from beginning to end! And yes, she is wearing one of my mom's old shirts as a nightgown, that reads "Grandmother to Be"...lol!)

- No, Ellie is still not sleeping through the night...sigh. Let's just say, after trying to once again fight her to stay asleep all night in her own bed for the past couple months, as of last Monday, I'm back to resorting to her sleeping in our room after her first wake up of the night. I just NEED more my sleep, and she sleeps so much better in our room.  Yes, I know she is almost 4 years old, but it works for us, so please don't judge!

- I had a couple eye opening revelations over the past few months about some things in my life that were putting way too much weight on my shoulders. Toxic people in my life, drama filled relationships, past hurts and current hurts...I just let it all go one day, and immediately felt better.

- I've been jonesing for a new tattoo...itching for one so badly! I've actually gotten a couple different ideas designed for me by a few tattoo artists...but for now, they just reside on a piece of paper...waiting for me to pull the trigger.

- Some of my favorite people are either pregnant or just had babies! Eeeek, so excited for all of you!!


So there's the "cliff notes" version of our life the past month or so! I promise I'll be back soon to start updating this little blog more often!!

- is anybody out there? -

Wow...it's been awhile, huh? I am bound and determined to get back into this whole blogging thing...I miss it...a lot! Things have gotten busy, and I'll be honest, there was a point where I felt that my blogging was pulling me away from family time (and more specifically hubby time) at the end of each day. So I took a break...a LOOOOONG break apparently. Plus, let's be honest...IG is killing the Blogger star right now, right? I've been able to keep up with so many of my favorite bloggers on IG, and it really is so much less time consuming!

But I do miss this outlet...to purge my feelings and thoughts. And more importantly, I miss what I started this blog for in the first place...to document Ellie's life...her growing up...and everything else important in our lives.

So, maybe it will be tonight, maybe it won't be until this weekend, but I WILL be posting a catch up post!

Until then, have a wonderful week!!

- letting go -

I am FINALLY starting to embrace this after putting myself through so much emotional turmoil for most of this year...constantly looking behind me and refusing to let things go and accept that I had lost certain things...relationships had changed...my feelings and emotions were just different.  But now when I look around, I am able to see what's around me right now, in the present...sweet, caring friends, amazing adventures, and a wonderful family. I refuse to look over my shoulder any longer! My present and my future are standing right in front of me... its time to give that my attention, rather than people and things and hurts from the past.

And it truly feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder! Here's to a wonderful present, and an even better future, now that I have learned to just... let it go!

- her first day of preschool -

I've been dreading it and have been anxious about it for a long, long time. Ever since I started the obsessive search for the perfect preschool for Ellie, I have been dreading the day that she starts, only because that means my little baby is growing up! But of course, I have also been excited for her to start this new adventure!

Ellie's first day of preschool was on Monday, and while I was super anxious about it, she actually did great! I am so proud of her! Ellie has always been a little more introverted, and she has never been dropped off anywhere alone before. We've been lucky enough to always have her watched at our house, so we've never needed to bring her to any sort of daycare. But it was time to put her in school...she was ready for it. There is only so much she can do at home! It's good for her, to be around the other kids, to learn to listen to a teacher. To learn social skills.

I definitely expected some tears, but she didn't even shed one. While she didn't run into the school and immediately start playing, she was very brave, and said she even liked it..."just a little". However, on Tuesday she said she "liked it a little more" and she promised me she would "like it even a little bit more" today!

I spend months and months searching for the perfect school for her (yes, I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to researching...anything and everything!) and I'm glad I was so persistent and kept looking, because it was actually one of the last schools I toured. Luckily they had a spot for her, and I feel really comfortable with her there. She's going to a very small, Montessori based school that has an extremely low teacher to child ratio. This means that she won't get lost in the crowd, and she will get plenty of one on one attention. The director is so nice and was so accommodating to the wacky schedule I was requesting. And she definitely likes her teacher already! She was giving her big hugs on day one!

While I know this means she is growing up, I am so proud of her and I'm so glad she is taking this huge step with such grace! I think overall, her and I both took it fairly well...although, I have a feeling dropping her off at kindergarten in a couple years might be a different story (at least for me!!)

- in my head lately -

Although some people may attempt to be nice and tell me otherwise, I really am not an eloquent writer. I just don't have that "smooth" way with words. And I DEFINITELY can't keep most of my writing succinct. Anybody who knows me well enough knows that I tend to go on and on when I am writing my thoughts and feelings.

So that's why I have relied on other sources lately to find some incredible quotes that describe my current state of mind to a tee...yet much more eloquently and succinctly than I could ever be!

 

 

  

 My current challenges...parenting struggles, personal relationship struggles, and my own inner battles are all wrapped up into these eloquent, yet succinct quotes. They are all where I am right now. And they all express my feelings much better than I ever could!

- why my child is still an only child -

It's a question we get asked a lot...when are you having your second child? Why is Ellie still an only child? What are you guys waiting for? And to be totally honest, I have a million answers to those questions. And I'm sure everyone out there has an answer to all of my answers (trust me, we've heard them all already).  But the honest answer is that we just aren't ready to have a second child right now. We're just not there yet. And maybe we will be soon...and maybe we won't ever be. And that's okay, too.

Most people we tell that to are appalled that the thought of only having one child has even crossed our minds. We have close friends and family that ask us constantly why we won't just do it. Maybe we're scared, maybe we're selfish, maybe we're just very content with our family of three right now...maybe it's a little of everything. But I certainly know that we aren't going to try for another baby just because everyone is telling us to.

Here's the thing...we always planned on having two kids. Two was our maximum, but it also was always our minimum. We never considered having an only child. Matt has a sister, and I have a sister, and that was just our "normal". Two kids. And then we had Ellie, and she rocked our world...in so many ways. We felt love we never knew we could feel. We felt happiness and joy every time we looked at her. And we also felt a lot of stress. She was not an easy baby. Truth be told, it was probably the roughest 12 months of my life. It was more than just the normal "adjusting to a newborn". It was non stop. She was a very high needs baby, with a lot of digestive problems (which required daily medicine and a lot of strict diet changes) that made every day a force to be reckoned with. It's an interesting feeling...the feeling of loving her so much, while at the same time, crying tears of frustration at our inability to make her feel better, to stop her crying, to make things a little bit "normal" in our house.

We survived, of course, and Ellie is growing up to be quite amazing in every way. But I don't think any of our friends or family that continually ask why we aren't having a second baby understand what that first year was like for us. I honestly think it changed me, and Matt and I as a couple, in ways that I would never imagine. I'm going to be very candid and honest here...while it gave me (and us) strength, it also tore me (and us) apart on so many occasions. And that's a scary feeling. And, I know that our second child might not be as high needs. I know that our second child might not have all those digestive problems. And I know that even if he/she does, we are more prepared to deal with it the second time around. But...there is still that "but"...that always stops us in our tracks.

And while Ellie is an extraordinary child, she still DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. And once again, I don't think those people that badger us about having a second child understand what it is like as a mom to have never gotten a full nights sleep consistently for 3.5 years. I can tell people until I am blue in the face, but unless you live my reality of usually only getting 4-5 hours of broken up sleep most nights for 3.5 years, you will not understand that that alone is a good reason not to throw a newborn into the mix right now. A lot of people we know with young babies nod their head enthusiastically when I describe my sleepless nights, but most of those parents will get relief, or have already gotten relief as their babies get older and start sleeping better and better. Your baby was a rough sleeper for 6 months? 8 months? The entire first year of their lives? Try 3.5 years!! And while I know there are other parents out there that are also dealing with non sleeping 3 year olds (I hope!), none of our other parent friends are really dealing with it, so it's a little rough being alone in this situation. We have had family and friends offer to take Ellie one or two nights so that we can get some rest, and while that is always a very thoughtful offer, I most often decline, because we DO get a few nights of rest here and there when she decides to sleep well, and honestly, I don't really think an extra one or two nights will really be helpful in the grand scheme of things! (and let's just be honest...I'm a mom...and I worry about her...I know I'd just be up most of the night wondering how she is doing and if she's getting a good nights sleep at someone else's house anyways. I know I wouldn't get any rest! lol)

And even after all of that said, we still have people telling us that this is just a short season in our lives, and things will get better, and we will regret not having a second child. And maybe that's true. And maybe we are depriving Ellie right now if we don't give her a playmate. I know some people with two kids who are the best of friends..always playing together...completely inseparable. But I also know some people with two kids that don't play together at all. They're just not interested in each other, and honestly I don't think they ever will be, even though they are close in age. And like I said, we HAVE NOT decided we aren't going to have a second...we've just decided the time is not right right now. Our life as a family of three is fantastic right now, and maybe we are being just a little bit selfish, but we just want to enjoy our life to the fullest for now. Neither of us want to deprive Ellie of having a brother or a sister, but we also aren't ready to dive in and do it quite yet. And you know what, that's okay!

So maybe I haven't fully answered the question as to why Ellie is still an only child...because maybe the answer just isn't good enough for most people. But the honest answer is, it's just not time. Maybe we'll feel differently in a month, maybe it will take a year, maybe the answer will be "it's just not ever going to be time". But, as I've always said, you need to do what feels right for your own family. What works for you. And this just feels right for us...at least for now. Maybe we are a little scared...and I'm sure we are being just a little bit selfish. But we definitely are content with our family of three right now, so we're just going with it for now...until we feel differently. It's as simple as that.

(Image credit Nina S.)

- oh, hello there -

Oh, hello there...does anyone still remember me? My name is Kyna, and I used to be a blogger. But then, something happened. I fell off the wagon...I can't even tell you what I am doing instead of blogging. I wish I could say I've been running ten miles every night instead...or that I've been getting into bed by 9:00 every night to make up for all the sleep that I've been missing out on when my sweet, innocent child wakes up 3 times between 1:00 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. (yes...we're STILL dealing with that). Or that I have been so busy taking amazing pictures and editing away and I just don't have time to blog anymore. But....unfortunately, none of those things are true. I'm still a night owl...still staying up till 11:30 p.m...but not getting a good workout in...not getting more sleep...and certainly not spending time with my camera or my editing software. I can't tell you what I've been doing instead...except spending some time with Matt, and just vegging...doing nothing after putting Ellie to bed. And it's been wonderful!!! I needed the break!

Summer is just about here...and my friends...summer is by far my absolute favorite season! There is nothing better than summer around here. Picnics, beach days, homemade sangria (compliments of my wonderful hubby), long evenings playing outside in the warm sunshine. Summer is the season that we make plans literally every single weekend...because we just can't have a down day where we just run errands, or a have a quiet night at home...there's too much warm weather and beautiful days to enjoy! I won't let any single day go to waste during the summer!

I'll be back...I promise! I'll be back to document the magic of summer...we have so many adventures planned already...weekends away already planned....travels and vacations that we will soak up every minute of. Weekend plans with our friends....running through the sprinklers...riding our bikes (note to self...buy bikes for this summer! I plan to live on our bikes this summer!).

Here's to some amazing magic this summer!!!

(Image credit Nina S.)

(Image credit Nina S.)

(Image credit Nina S.)