Wednesday, August 10, 2011

- when is #2 coming -


That's the question I have been hearing a lot lately. Well, actually, I have been hearing that question since the day Ellie was born! (seriously? I just gave birth to this one...let me catch my breath! ha ha!)

This might be a long post, so bear with me...

Let me start with a little bit of history...I have an older sister. Her and I are three years apart. Matt has a younger sister...they are almost four and a half years apart. So it's not like either of us were raised with siblings super close in age to us. But ever since we got pregnant with Ellie, I had always imagined having our kids close together. One and half to two years apart was ideal in my mind. I thought it would be even more desirable to have our kids close in age if they were the same sex (cause I can really control things like that right? ha ha!). I always imagined two little girls growing up to be the best of friends because they were so close in age.

Fast forward to today...Ellie turns 2 in November, and not only am I not pregnant with our second baby, we haven't even started trying yet. Why? Well, I have asked myself that a lot in the last couple of months, and I am finally at peace with the answer.

When Ellie was born, she had severe reflux, was in constant pain, and was an extremely high needs baby. I'm not exaggerating when I say that for the first month or two, she would cry at least 18 out of 24 hours of the day....everyday...without fail. She also had an intolerance to all dairy and soy. Once we got her reflux under control, and I stopped eating dairy and soy (I was BFing her), she was a much happier baby. But those first four to five months were hell. Lots of tears were shed by us (okay, mostly just me). I knew having a newborn was going to be hard, and I am one tough cookie. But Ellie was so much harder than most newborns. There were times I looked at Matt and seriously meant it when I asked him "why in the hell did we decide to do this?".  I knew immediately that my plan to have another baby in one and a half years was never going to happen! I was questioning even wanting another one at all after going through what we went through with Ellie... (this is where I have to enter a disclaimer...I, by no means, am trying to say Ellie's health problems were serious or life threatening. I know there are thousands of women out there that give birth to babies with very serious health problems or complications. Reflux and a dairy/soy intolerance are so low on the scale of seriousness compared to what some mom's are dealing with on a day to day basis. So please, please, please don't think I am trying to play the pity card for something as trivial as reflux. But understand that no mom wants to see their baby in pain and upset, so in the thick of it, dealing with it was very difficult for us as new parents)....

After Ellie hit toddler-hood, things weren't as hard with her anymore, and Matt and I started discussing trying for our second. The plan was to start trying in August or September of this year. That would put our kids about two and a half years apart, and I was okay with that...or I at least I thought I was. By the time July came around, I really started freaking out. I would think about it constantly, and just not feel right about it. I knew Matt was ready...I just didn't feel the same enthusiasm as he did. I started scouring the internet to find out what the "perfect" spacing for your children was. That was a joke....everyone out there has their own opinion, because in reality, it's what's best for your own family. I couldn't exactly place what was making me so uneasy, but I knew that I probably shouldn't be jumping into having our second child if I was this "unenthusiastic" about it.

After over a month of soul searching, I was finally able to say out loud to myself, "I'm just not ready yet". Once I finally admitted it to myself, I was able to admit it to Matt. Although I can't say he was thrilled to hear me say that, he supported me 100%.  It wasn't easy for me to admit this to myself. I mean, I'm a mom...I'm supposed to want another baby right away right? Maybe, but maybe not. All I know is that as soon as I was able to accept that I just wasn't ready yet, I immediately felt a huge weight come off of my shoulders.

I know many families out there that have kids less than two years apart, and they absolutely love it. I also know just as many families out there with kids three or four years apart and they wouldn't have it any other way. When Matt and I first got married, we intentionally waited six years before getting pregnant. We wanted to truly enjoy each other before starting a family. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying everyone should wait that long, but it worked for us, and more importantly, I don't regret waiting...not.one.bit. I absolutely loved living those six years with just Matt, no kids, just us. And I sort of equate that to how I am feeling now. There will never be another time that Ellie will be our only child. That time is right now and I want to savor and enjoy a little bit more time with just her. And I don't think I will regret it this time around either. I am doing what is right for myself and what I think is right for Ellie. I somehow knew when it was time to start trying for our first baby, and I feel like I will just know when it is time to start trying for our second...

...(time to insert another disclaimer...I am very sensitive to those couples with fertility problems who would be appalled that I am being so "picky" about when to have my kids...please understand that I am sensitive to fertility troubles, and I know that being able to have kids is an amazing blessing that I can never take for granted).

16 comments:

Genevieve said...

What a great post. I too find it interesting that as soon as the first baby comes, when the 2nd one is coming is the new hot topic! I think it is great that you guys are really doing what feels right to you and what works for your family.

I also can completely relate to feelings about being nervous about doing the whole newborn thing again. We had the same issues(reflux, dairy allergy, constant screaming, etc.) and it was traumatizing for us. We love Parker SO much but we did not have an easy start, and the idea of doing it again(even though of course we know it could be totally different) is definitely daunting.

I definitely think when you are ready you will know like you said. :) For what it is worth, I know a lot of families where the kids are 3-4 years apart and it is great! And the idea of having 2 under 2 scares me to death, haha. :)

Nicole @ Miss Mommy said...

Kyna, I can totally and 100% relate to this post!. Our girls are 3 years and 9 months apart. When Eve (our oldest) was around 2 people started asking the same questions....little did they know that we tried for 16 months to get pregnant with Lilah (our 2nd who is now 21 months old). We had no trouble at all getting pregnant with Eve (who is now 5)but suffered some infertility problems having Lilah. I was even on Clomid for 3 months and we were still unsuccessful at that stage.

We had "planned" to have them under 3 years apart, but gods will was for them to be 3 years and 9 months apart. I believe now that it all worked out the way it was meant to. For a long time I was discouraged, and sad and would cry and be extremely jealous when friends or I heard anyone else was pregnant.

Eventually though, it all worked out, and here we are - Lilah is bordering on turning 2 now. We obviuously get asked "when's the 3rd"....I really don't know how to answer that. I actually did a post about having the 3rd child a little while ago.

I was going to put this as a comment but then it suddenly got really long....LOL. Sorry :)

I hope (if you haven't already) will check my blog out and perhaps read all about my story.

www.miss-mommy.com

Etosia (e-tasha) said...

Jake & I go back and forth on this topic all the time. We are currently deciding whether or not to have any more at all. There are SO many things to consider. I'm just waiting on that "the time is right feeling." And I feel the same I just want to enjoy Rylin being my only right now.

Jet's Journey said...

Great topic!

Luckily for us, J was a very relaxed baby and, for the most part, rolled with the punches (save for a few digestive issues that resulted in some very. unpleasant. suppositories.). I digress...

Shortly after giving birth to J, I had some health issues that resulted in the threat of a hysterectomy. Thank God I did not have to have one, but because of this scare I am desperate to have another child. I have been warned that conceiving in the future may be difficult, so I would like to try sooner rather than later so that there is plenty of time to seek treatment as necessary.

J is 4.5 months and I think we might "stop preventing" in January but actively trying next summer. We'll see...

amy said...

Ugh, dang comment just poofed away. Anyway, I think you wrote exactly what's been going on in our house! Brady's first year but freaking hard thanks to reflux, reflux and a crappy string of events. We were close to starting to try again too (around aug/sept) but i had a freakout :) I always say though, our next baby is going to LOVE sleep! :)

Denise said...

You and me both girl! My son is 2 1/2 and my husband is dying to have another baby. But like you, I'm just not ready! And I'm actually being kind of selfish about it. I had a horrible pregnancy and I'm not ready to put myself or my body through that again! But someday I'll have another baby, and so will you :)

Gina said...

Great post! We knew as soon as we got pregnant we weren't even going to consider talking about another until Payton was 3 (for the insane reason of we are planning to take her to Disney for her 3rd birthday and I don't want an infant or to be pregnant while there). I am now not even sure if I want another. I know my husband reallllly does (and will wait until I am ready) but the newborn stage is trying (and this from someone with a semi "normal needs" baby- she needs a lactose sensitivity formula but had a 2-3 week stretch of fussy baby where I swore she was going to be colicky). I think it is more of, I have so many plans for her that I am not sure how another will fit in to those plans. I guess only time will tell right?

Mila said...

Kyna, I don't see you as insensitive or selfish about your decision to wait. The fact that you wanted to learn to become a good wife to your husband first before taking on the role of mother shows a woman who shows great judgment.

Since you have great intuition...you said you will know when...then I think you have nothing to worry about.

I think you're pretty awesome. Ease off on yourself a little bit. Have a great rest of the week.

Cait said...

great post girl- you always learn to become the wife you were meant to You should check out my giveaway I'm having on my blog to win a Bobbi Brown eyeshadow compact :)be.

Brandi said...

Our baby is about 6.5 months old and right now I don't know that I ever want another one lol. I definitely need time!

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Nina said...

How did I NOT know you had a blog??? You must tell me these things lady!! Also, I LOVE this post!! We get asked all the time when baby #3 is coming... UM... RIGHT... husband still in school, we live in a 2 bedroom apartment, no one in this family has a REAL job :) anyway, love this post!

Gina said...

I am sure you have gotten this already but there is an award for you on my blog!!!

Courtney B said...

I can only imagine how hard that decision must be, but I think we (women)truly do feel when we are ready to have babies. I think its a gift the Lord gave us. In order for us to put our bodies through pregnancy then labor, and to completely devote ourselves to our new born, we feel the need to have that baby. Does that make sense?
We've been married for over 3 years and people ask us all the time when we're having a baby. Honestly, I've never really felt the urge until the past couple months. It's been so cool/scary to actually feel the need/want/desire to get pregnant! We're not trying yet, and won't until I'm 100% ready for it. So I totally believe you'll know when you're ready :)

Allie @ Table for 3, Actually Make that 4 said...

This is a great post! You will know when you are ready for another one, and it's you and your husbands choice! Since it annoys me so much when people would ask us, I refuse to EVER ask my friends when they will have another baby! haha!

Amy said...

Thank you for being so open and honest. I readily admit to anyone and everyone that even though my daughter is almost 20 months, I have no plans in my mind for a second. Obviously, I want three or four kids, but I am so not ready. The plan has always been for my husband and me to assess things when she's two, but I don't even think I'll be ready then! Scares me. And I grew up 3.5 years apart from my next closest sibling. We were 4 grades apart, so it made a big difference.

Andrea said...

Kyna, this was amazing to read.

We have been asking ourselves this question as well (yes, Cruz is only 6 months old, but as it took us about 1 1/2 years to get pregnant with him, it's something that we kinda have to start thinking about early.) I totally get the uncertainty. So much of what you said is exactly what I've been saying too. Cruz was more of a high-needs baby too (not nearly as much as your babe, but a whole lot more than any other baby I knew) and I went through a few months of depression when he was born, so it's a big decision to think about having another baby. We also were married for 6 years before he was born, and LOVED the time with just the two of us.

Thanks so much for sharing your heart and being honest. You're amazing, mama! :)

Andrea xoxo

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